It was a cold morning, I was awoken by a sudden urge to throw up. I ran to the bathroom, confused. I was on the pill, I thought there’s just no way.
I was otherwise well no sickness, just morning sickness.
I was 17, doing well in school with intentions of going to college and in a long term relationship. I was certainly pregnant, it was a shock but the evidence was irrefutable. I couldn’t believe it. A myriad of feelings flooded over me, anxiety, dread, disappointment, frustration then a heavy numbness.
I felt so isolated, I thought my family would not have supported me and my boyfriend at the time would not have been happy. So, I kept it to myself. Abortion was illegal countrywide so I had no doctor or professional to turn to either.
I decided to take matters into my own hands, I did all I could to not be pregnant anymore. All I wanted was to go back like it never happened, like it wasn’t happening and eventually it worked. While I was at school, alone in the bathroom and I saw it. I was still in the first trimester. I thought I would get in serious trouble so I never spoke to a professional about it.
I didn’t feel relieved afterwards. I thought it would be the solution, it wasn’t. I only felt worse. I felt so guilty, utterly shut out and unempowered. It was like being in a concrete encased lead bunker a mile under. I fell into major depression afterwards. I tried to end it all but was unsuccessful.
I thought it would be a better choice for me and my future. It wasn’t. Looking back now, I wish I had kept it. I went to college, but I wasn’t as smart as I thought I was. I dropped out, filled the void with copious amounts of drugs. I settled down and stopped doing that after a while.
Seven years to the day and it still gets to me. I was in a loving relationship, I found out after that my ex would have been ok, delighted even. My family would have come around. I never really made anything of myself and I’m a mom now anyway living with my family again, so back to square one.
It’s hard to write this, it’s the first time I’ve put it all into words. I’ll never stop thinking of what might have been if I had been brave enough to talk about it.
Some might say just get over it or say I deserve to feel terrible about it. Don’t bother.
Edit: This story is real, it isn’t fucking propaganda, I’m a real person with feelings. Not everything is political. I didn’t even think that many people would see it, I just wanted to write it down more than anything and see if anyone had to do something similar.
I didn’t simply wish the child away and poof it was magically gone. I knew how abortion works then and I do now. I didn’t want to go into detail about what I had to do in order to achieve a spontaneous abortion instead of a medically supervised / performed one.
But since you need to know and there’s no turning back now; I physically injured myself as often as possible in the abdomen (I was no stranger to self harm) I took unbearably hot baths, I hardly ate, I researched and took herbal remedies and things to make the uterus contract, (I heard about pennyroyal tea from nirvana and yes it can work) gave myself food poisoning, kept taking the pill, drank as much alcohol as I could get away with, took ecstasy on nights out. I was under a lot of stress in general and I hardly slept because of the situation.
I knew what I was doing wasn’t 100% guaranteed to work like a real abortion pill or a DNC would but it did. I did go into STEM in college (biology). I did everything I could think of at 17 years of age, I’m lucky I didn’t need to go for a DNC afterwards. I could have died from an infection because products of conception can be left behind but I didn’t. My body went on and recovered but my mind hasn’t.
I’m prolife now, and there is nothing wrong with that, because of my experience, I’m an atheist by the way. It’s just a different opinion. I’m prolife in the way that I don’t agree with abortion. I don’t think it should be seen as an easy way out or something to be shouted out and proud of but I think safe abortion should be accessible. I suppose I’m a bit on the fence according to both sides.
I feel like every support should be available to women but unfortunately for me it wasn’t. It really needs to be talked about more where I’m from anyway, women should be supported in whichever decision they want to make. Whether they want to have the baby or not. It was horrible to go through that alone.