I work in a corporate office and about a month after I started, my department got a new Vice President. He’s about 40, married with young kids, very well traveled, Ivy League educated, and a great management match for the department as he keeps a tight ship.
At first, I was just happy to have a savvy leader as things in the office were disorganized. Then after seeing him in meetings demanding action and providing resources so we were better equipped to do our jobs more efficiently, it weirdly…turned me on? Perhaps I just have a power thing.
Slowly I get a crush, and it comes to an irreversible turn when he takes us all out for a team bonding event with kickball, an arcade session, and dinner/drinks afterwards. At dinner, we were sat right across from one another and suddenly sparks were just flying over the table. My bosses tried to get his attention to talk about work, but he would interrupt them to talk to me; I didn’t mind the attention at all but kept my responses and gazes professional. But in the inside I was just imagining ways in which he would just have to undress me.
Since then has been a near daily sex-scene-with-my-VP loop in my head if he’s anywhere near. He’s asked me out for coffee and talk, while there might be hints of flirtation there is never a physical line crossed.
And I’m not going to lie, both my work performance and relationship have improved because of this crush. At home, I take out my sexual energy on my wonderful boyfriend. At work, I stay on top of my shit to never have to say “I don’t know” in meetings and I make sure the work I put out is of quality and worked on relationships with other teams to make sure goals were met. My hard work has gotten me a lot of appreciation and I have even won an annual award for my contributions…all because I want to fuck my VP and want to get him to notice me as someone…fuckable yet promotable?
While I still ache for the opportunity to jump my VP’s bones, I don’t plan on acting on anything.
Is this a healthy way of acting out or am I just terrible?